


Free Fall

by Estelle4Ever



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Unrequited Love, comparing love to destruction, pining!niall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 10:25:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5044720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estelle4Ever/pseuds/Estelle4Ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall realizes that loving someone who will never love him back is like jumping off a building and expecting to never hit the ground.</p><p>He was stupid to jump and even stupider to think that someone would catch him.</p><p>The longer he falls, the harder he hits the ground.</p><p>The harder he hits the ground, the more it hurts.</p><p>And even after he smashes into a million pieces, he puts himself back together, climbs to the top of the building, and jumps again, even though he already knows how it will end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Free Fall

Niall doesn't realize he's in love until his heart is broken.

He doesn't realize it until Zayn is introducing him to Perrie, saying lovingly that she's his girlfriend, and he's so, so happy.

He thinks maybe that's the hardest part of it. If only he had realized earlier, just _opened his eyes_ , he could have made a move, or at least toughened himself up. 

But he hadn't. He hadn't done any of that, so now he is crying. He's hurt, and he is broken.

But he's still in love. He's more in love than he was before. 

He knows that he's just preparing himself for another painful fall, another meeting with the rock-hard, ice-cold ground that will shatter him into a million pieces, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't care.

Because that's what unrequited love is, really.

It is pain and heartbreak, and still being head over heels for the same person after they've broken your heart, unknowingly or not.

It is staring into someone's eyes and knowing that you want them for the rest of your life, but also knowing that you'll never get that.

It is numb sadness and years of pretending.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niall thinks that loving someone who will never love him back is like free-falling from the top of a building.

He falls, faster and faster, and he knows that the ground is coming, but he never expects to hit it.

He has trust.

He waits for someone to see him and catch him and make sure he's okay.

He waits for that person to love him and care for him and keep him warm at night.

But the ground is coming closer, and nobody has arrived, and that is when the trust turns to confusion.

If someone was going to save him, they should be there by now.

There's wind in his hair and he can't see or hear anything, but he still waits for that person to show up in a flash of light and whisk him away to safety.

Nobody comes.

And that is when confusion turns to horror, and he feels stupid, because if nobody's come yet, it means nobody is going to come at all.

But by the time he realizes that, it's too late. He's already hit the floor.

People see him and rush to his side, frantically trying to help, but it hurts so much, he's in too much pain.

He picks up the pieces and makes his way back to the top of the building to jump again.

He's not as afraid this time.

He's already broken.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niall is done with trust.

But the next time, he has too much faith. 

Loving someone who will never love you back is like _stumbling_ off the top of a building, full of faith, and then realizing half way that it was stupid to take the risk. 

Because faith only takes you so far.

Faith blinds you from reality, it makes you believe things that will never happen. 

Faith is like adrenaline. It pushes you to take the fall, and then it leaves your body, leaves your mind, and in its place is regret.

He feels stupid for jumping, stupid for having faith, stupid for taking the risk.

He's already close to the the ground. He braces himself for the fall, because he's experienced it once before, and he knows how much it hurts.

He wonders why he decided to take it a second time.

But when he hits the floor, he also remembers that he hadn't realized he'd jumped until he was already falling.

People are crowding in, just like before, trying to make sure everything is okay.

He breaks into smaller pieces this time, and he struggles to pick up every last bit, before he turns around to climb to the top of the building again.

For a brief moment, he thinks about going home. He thinks about going out for a drink instead of climbing up the building again, because what good has it done for him?

But the allure is strong. It beckons him in and he allows himself to be pulled inside yet again.

He can feel hands all over him, trying to force him to stay away. He can hear voices, telling him it's a bad idea.

They all mean it with the best interest, they only want what's good for him.

But they will keep him away from the building, and he can't handle that, so he pushes them away, ignores them, and hurries upstairs once more.

It doesn't matter to him. He is used to it. 

He rules out faith and trust from his list and prepares himself to leap. People are gathered downstairs, but Niall knows they won't be able to catch him.

It's hard to catch a thousand broken pieces.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niall is done with faith and trust, but he is not done with Zayn. He will never be done with Zayn, no matter how much he wishes he was.

Now he simply believes.

He believes that Zayn isn't stupid. If they ever got together, Niall would be the stupid one.

Zayn isn't blind, either. Niall believes he's been watching. Niall believes that he might try to catch him this time.

So he closes his eyes and breathes in deep and jumps.

The wind sounds like music and the blurs of color look like rainbows. He holds on to belief, because it's all he has.

But still, nobody comes, and Niall curses himself for his idiocy. He tries to promise himself not to get near the building ever again, but he knows he won't be able to keep his word.

He will be lured inside, and he will jump again, as if he's under some sort of spell.

He will only snap out of it half-way down, when it's too late.

The ground is nearing. Niall isn't as confused or regretful as he was before.

Now he is just scared.

If no one is there to catch him after his third fall, what does he mean to the world? Doesn't anybody care about him? He doesn't take into account the people who try to pull him away from the building. He can't remember the people who try to stop him from jumping. He wants someone to fly in and save him when he falls.

It scares him when he realizes that he will never get that.

The crash to the ground is harder this time. Or maybe Niall's just weaker, more fragile.

He's surprised that he's only broken into pieces, not smashed into smithereens.

The same people are there, begging him to stay away from the building, and Niall wishes they would lay off.

He pulls away from all of them and hurries into the building, up the stairs.

He's ready to break again.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He falls with hope this time.

He started out with firm trust and faith and belief and all that has dwindled into just hope. It's almost funny, but no one is laughing.

Niall thinks that Zayn might just about notice now. But the older boy will probably just ignore it, fling a friendly arm around Niall and tell him without words that they are brother and nothing else.

It hurts too much. He's almost glad to fall.

This time he hopes that he will be saved. He hopes that Zayn will finally notice and come to his rescue. He hopes that Zayn will pick up all the pieces and put him back together and kiss away the scars.

He leans over the railing of the building, preparing himself for the leap. He sees tiny figures gathered at the bottom, near the gate that seperates the outside world from the building. None of them ever cross the gate. They never step any closer to the building than where they are standing. Niall was the only one reckless enough to do so, and he's paid the price. He sees chocolate brown curls and green eyes. He hears stern calls to stop right there, accompanied by a pair of wide brown eyes. He sees feathery hair and bright blue eyes.

But he doesn't see raven hair and caramel orbs and graffiti-like tattoos, and it pierces his heart.

Niall thinks for a moment that maybe they are right, maybe he should just climb back down the steps and run away from the building and fly out of the country and never look back.

It's too late now.

He jumps. He's still full of hope, because superheroes always appear at the last moment when everything seems bleak. This will be his last time hitting the ground as a whole. Now he will smash into tiny pieces, smithereens, and he will never be able to track down every single shard of himself. He will stagger back up the stairs with only three-fourths, and when he drops again, he will lose more of himself.

Soon he will be blank, he will be nothing. Almost every piece of him will be gone. Niall hopes that Zayn will fly in _now_ and save him from becoming that. 

But he doesn't come.

Hope turns to fear. Niall is not scared of hitting the ground. He is used to that by now. He knows how it will feel, he's done it enough number of times already. He's only afraid of what comes after that.

His fear mingles with embarrassment. He curses himself again for his stupidity.

The ground is nearing. He closes his eyes and lets himself smash.

The floor is harder and colder than it was before. Niall thinks that maybe if it was a bit colder and harder, it would snap him out of his trance and help him re-enter reality. It would help him piece his life back together.

But he's in too deep to get out.

He hears loud voices and sees flashing lights. Men with cameras. Girls screaming. He wants to tell the men to go away. He wants the girls to know that they are loved, wants to make sure their lives don't end up like his.

He almost forgets why they are there. None of them care. The men with cameras don't care about him at all. The girls might, but they are too loud, too hysterical.

He hears a panicked voice and sees a checked, button-up shirt. He hears a Doncaster accent. He sees green eyes and brown curls.

He still doesn't see Zayn, so he gathers whatever pieces of himself he can find and staggers back into the building. They're all crying and begging and physically _forcing_ him to stay away, but the lure of the building is one Niall has never known before. He can't fight it. He can't stay away.

He's used to falling. He's used to pain and hurt and anger.

He's used to breaking.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Niall decides that he knows what unrequited love is.

It's not faith or trust or hope or belief. It's not exactly fear or horror or regret or confusion, either.

Loving someone who will never love him back is pain and numbness.

Loving someone who will never love him back is like jumping of a building and expecting never to hit the ground.

It was stupid to take the risk, and even stupider to think that someone would catch him.

The more number times he falls, the more he cracks.

The longer he falls, the harder he hits the ground.

The harder he hits the ground, the more it hurts.

But none of it matters, because either way, the same thing will happen in the end:

He will break.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I know it's been a couple of weeks. I was really busy at school.  
> I hope you liked this story, it's a bit different than my usual style.
> 
> -Estelle


End file.
